The Guilty Sick Parent

Wouldn't it be nice that, in a perfect world no one would get sick.  Or, at the very least you get excused because you have children to chase?

How do you tell your three year old she can't go outside today because Mommy hurts too much?

How do you tell your seven year old you will TRY to make it to her speech recital at school, but it all depends on how you feel when the time comes?  Especially when you seem OK at the time?

How do you tell your fifteen year old that you can't be her "client" on client day in cosmetology class because its right at that time of day that is nearly impossible for you to stay awake, let alone drive to the school and participate?

I guess it's lucky for me that my three year old was born into a world where this is the norm.

It's lucky for me that that seven year old has watched her moms health steadily decline, been the big helper to dad when mom has been hospitalised, and she knows its for real.

It's luck for me that I have the worlds most easy going, understanding, caring fifteen year old.  Not to mention the fact that she faces her own health battles.

Lucky me.

While I am indeed lucky that these sweet little girls are incredibly well versed on what "maybe" means, and they know plans can change at the drop of the hat, I do know that doesn't mean they aren't crushed that I can't take them to the park or even the back yard.  I can't always attend the speech recital, or be their client on client day, even though I no longer work.  And it crushes me to have to do that to them.

It's a cross we all bear as parents with illnesses.  Those of us with "Invisible Illnesses" are often looked down upon by other parents (even teachers) who don't realise the fact that our children are at school clean, hair and teeth brushed, and lunch in tote, is often our greatest accomplishment of the day.  Some days I think "Meh, I don't really care what anyone thinks"!  Other days I find myself apologising for the fact that they don't have all four food groups in their lunches, and that their clothes are a bit wrinkly from sitting in the cold dryer - though they have been dry - for three days.

Often the guilt of not being the parents we truly wish we could be sometimes gnaws us to the bone, but we have to remember that we will always be our own toughest critic. Really, no one noticed the girls lunches were missing a protein, and  they know my seven year old enough to know that the wrinkles in her clothes are just as likely from being hard at play on the playground before class.  Though my girls face disappointment, they are still happy, beautiful girls.  They smile and laugh often.  I give them my 100% ALL the time, even if my 100% is someone strangers 40%.  They are well loved, and they know it.  THAT'S what matters.