....If I hear it one more time I might lose it. Think Positive.
OK, I get it. I'm pouring my heart out to you. It sounds like the world is ending. The girls have the stomach flu (and I'm NOT the vomit parent), I'm on heavy courses of steroids so I'm open to catch any little germ, including this one. Because of those steroids I've gained another 20 pounds...on top of the 15 I gained last course of high dose steroids (and so on). The flare those steroids are meant to control is only just starting to ease up a bit, the cat has to be taken to the vet for shots and to get "fixed" but is nowhere to be found, there is a class party that I'm required to provide 20 healthy treats for. Not only do I have to dip into my non existent energy pool to shop for the ingredients for these treats, I somehow have to find the money, somewhere it doesn't exist, to buy this stuff. That's what happens when you are relying on one income. We are only relying on one income because I am currently appealing my denial for disability. Oh yeah, that's happening next week.
I guess for your "average" well mom, this is just another multi tasking challenge. For the mom with Behcet's, or any Invisible Illness, this is the equivalent of a contestant trying to get to the end of a season of the TV show Survivor.
So, when you ask me how I am and this all spills out, I'm just hoping you will listen. Maybe give me a "that sucks". It's when I hear that I just have to "Think Positive", that I lose my stuff.
You see, I'm beyond that theory. Think positive was way back when there was a chance that this was just a transient illness. That this was just a collection of weird symptoms that will eventually go away, leaving me sitting back thinking "Well, that was weird. Glad that's over!". Its clear now though that that isn't happening for me. It's also clear that getting any help medication wise isn't simple either. One road block after another. One hospitalization to the next. This is my life, and darn it, its hard to think positive when you seriously feel like you might die before you actually get some solid medical help.
I know it's overwhelming when you ask how I am, and once in awhile I let the floodgates open. I mean, what do you say to all that? I get it.
It's not that I don't think positive. I do. Going into those high dose steroids that make me sweat like a trucker in the dead heat of summer, ride an emotional rollercoaster Six Flags couldn't challenge, and gain weight simply by looking at a glass of water, I HAVE to think of the positive that comes with it. Otherwise, I would end up crazy.....er. But I also think realistically, and know realistically how this disease acts.
So please, when you ask me how things are going, brace yourself for the truth. Just listen and be there, but please don't ever tell me to "Think Positive". That ship has sailed!!
